I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
