the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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