We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
