I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
