i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
