well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
