I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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