He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
