I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
