The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
