on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
