I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Just cropdusted the office
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
