I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
