I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
