Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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