You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
