i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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