my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
My vagina just recognized that song.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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