Im at strip club and am horny
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
