News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
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