eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You may now shotgun with the bride
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
