Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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