My friends, they love my intelligence
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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