I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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