In the future we'll all be gay
I'm drive I can fine osifer
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
