does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
