The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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