after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
