I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
My penis needs a shock collar
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
