Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
