I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
