Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
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