So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I wish I only lived at night.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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