you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
