I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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