Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
