Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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