need another drink. this is the easiest way
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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