I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
