i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
