I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
