oh god the rape fog is back!
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
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