I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
