i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
