Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Randomize
