i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
