I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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