I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
