Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
