I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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