Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Welp...herpes.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
