There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I checked into jail on foursquare
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
